First you start with a pair of 9-inch pie crusts from Pillsbury. Do not make it from scratch because people will say you have no life.
Same thing with the filling. Do not pick your own cherries and pit and boil them and all of that stuff. People will talk about you. You will seem like 82 years old. Just do what I did. You will thank me. And it tastes better anyway because your filling sucks.
Preheat oven to 375...
Gently lay first crust onto buttered 9-inch pan, then fill with the good stuff, spread evenly...
Remove second pie crust from wrapper and discard (the wrapper not the pie crust)...
Gently roll second pie crust over the top. I would have made nice latticework with strips but I was a hungry jack. Goodbye cherries, I will see you soon and you will be in my stomach!...
Pinch the sides so the two crusts are in unison as one making the world a better place for a safer tomorrow and protecting the cherry filling that soon I will gobble up....
Make a bunch of fork holes in the top just like my Mom used to do. I have no idea why, but I think it is so the pie can get used to the fact that it is about to be eaten by a fork...
Oh, look who's an awesome baking whiz!!! Monster Cat Stewart now on TV late mornings! This is called breaking an egg and taking the white only and beating it like it's the Detroit Lions and then rubbing it all over the crust. This is serious secret-ingredient stuff and I feel that since I accepted you as a MySpace friend you are entitled to get a glimpse of the good life sometimes...
HA! Check me out, I have even more secrets up my sleeves!!! This time I am going to take strips of aluminum foil and protect the edges of the crust like it's a quarterback in the pocket. You ain't gonna get burned! No way!...
Into the sauna for you, Mr. Cherry Pie! It is going to feel so nice and warm! When you come out I am gonna eat you up!!! We will bake you for 50 minutes...
"...the waiiiiiiiiting is the...hardest...part." -- Tom Petty
Think about how you just ran a marathon...
Remove the aluminum foil with about 15 minutes left so it can get nice and golden...
OMG this is the best pie ever...let's put it on a plate first...check out how my super-secret eggwhite topping makes it a perfect golden...
Time to put it in the fridge for an hour so it will coagulate...
While it's coagulating in the fridge, think about how you just ran an ultra...
Guess who gets the first piece? Me! Guess who gets the next four pieces, too? Me!...It's like the great poet Robert Frost once wrote: "Nothing gold can stay."
And here is what it looks like before I inhale it in one bite. It is the perfect piece of pie. I just made it...
Eat it, enjoy it, savor every bite. Then go run 8 more miles. Enjoy life. Eat up. Do not eat like a marathon-running skinny bird. That is not a fun life.
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