Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Running Violations

I was busy celebrating my birthday when Mark Remy posted this on Runner's World's RWDaily blog last week. No way I am missing out on this one.

First of all, I can check every box on this list just based on this year of running. I would change #10 on the list to specify beer farts. Don't drink a lot of beer before you run. We know who you are in the weekly Central Park races.

I was guilty of some of these infractions early on in my running days. In the first winter of my December 2006 decision to trade KOOLS for ASICS, I was running around Central Park on a frozen day with no feeling in my face, and I cleared my nose. Completely nailed another runner who just happened to be passing me at the same time. Fortunately she did not notice the power blast onto her clothing as she ran by.

One of these days I am going to save a video blog post detailing exactly how to say hello, whether you are a runner who doesn't know how to say hi to another runner, or whether you are out walking your dog and a runner says hi to you. We'll show the proper form for this, as it is getting out of hand. Just say freakin hi, not hard to do, and if you don't, then well you're just a dumbass.

During the first mile of my 18-mile NYC Marathon Long Training Run #2 recently, we were cresting the long and tough north hill at Central Park. As we started to descend, a woman decided to dart from left to right, immediately in front of me, causing me to stop my in-a-zone form completely. That will piss you off like nothing else. Then for the next few minutes you are thinking about how much it pissed you off. This is actually a combination of Nos. 1 and 3, large fine.

Let's see, what to ADD to the list...

- Race organizers who take away baggage check from runners for cold November marathons. That is an inexcusable $216 infraction.

- Running in side-by-side packs like it's four-wide at Talladega, exchanging loud and whiney annoying gossip about boyfriends the entire time, leaving no room to pass until finally you have to ram through the wall of misery. That is $99 per blocker.

- MAKEUP. If you come out to the start in full makeup and Barbie perfection I will probably laugh at you and write up a $25 infraction. Cosmetics are not running gear.

- Clipping another runner's feet from behind while in a pack. This happened to me coming off the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge into Brooklyn during the 2007 NYC Marathon. I did a front somersault onto the rough pavement. I would ban that person for the next year of running. Look down and watch feet.

- Stank running gear. Wash your gear after you run. Do not run twice in same gear. But wash your running shoes, $50. Also brush you teeth before running.

- Wear your race medal after two train exchanges following the race. It's OK to wear it onto your first train, because that will be filled with other runners and you are still in the positive vibe of race mode. Change from the 2 train to the A train, and if you still have your medal around your neck, you get fined $30.

- This one is for Brightroom.com photogs. Cherry-pick which back-of-the-pack runners to photograph now that you've done most of your work capturing those in front, you are fined $1,000 for being a lazy, fatass photog sitting there on the curb. I have seen this happen in my last three races, and there is one old bearded guy who does it most. Guess what, Kodak stopped making film. Keep aiming. Don't stop aiming. Then after that keep aiming. It's why you are there.

- Twitter, $1 for each runner I cannot follow from my @Marathoner account because you have a 2,000 Following limit.

- Individuals who only want to tell you why running is bad for you, why it's bad for the knees, why it's bad for the back, blah blah. Automatic $20 fine for you for not being educated.

UPDATED 8/30/12: Just ran around Central Park last night and going up Cat Hill I was reminded of another serious violation. If you are running DOWNHILL, always yield right of way to a runner going UPHILL. The latter is working hard, grinding and totally focused, sometimes counting backwards from 100 and trying not to look at horizon just to get up that hill. You are cruising. Whenever I see someone coming downhill blazing a straight path no matter who has to get out of their way, I am reminded of the penalty for this: Life without parole, plus I will totally clothesline you the next time around the park if you are still running.

How about you? Have more to add?

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